When Anxiety Meets Shame: Understanding the Invisible Tug-of-War
Learn how anxiety and shame are linked, why they feel so overwhelming, and practical steps to manage both with curiosity and kindness.
In this blog Show
Let’s talk about the power couple nobody wants to invite to dinner: anxiety and shame.
On their own, they’re bad enough. Together? They throw a house party in your nervous system and forget to leave.
These two can team up to derail your peace of mind and keep you in an exhausting cycle of overthinking, self-criticism, and shutdown.
If you’ve ever wondered why your anxious thoughts come with a side of “What’s wrong with me?” or why success doesn’t always feel like enough, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. You're experiencing the neurobiological and emotional intersection of two of the brain's most ancient protectors.
This blog dives deep into the connection between anxiety and shame, explaining why they show up as they do, how they interact, and most importantly, how you can start to challenge them.
True story: it’s not about judgment; it’s all about curiosity, kindness, and rewiring your nervous system’s automatic responses.
What Is Shame? A Survival Mechanism in Disguise
The Anatomy of Shame
Shame, an emotion not often talked about. It runs deeper than embarrassment or regret. Shame feels like a full-body shutdown. You know the drill—slumped shoulders, avoiding eye contact, "let me melt into the floor" sensation.
Janina Fisher, a leader in trauma-informed therapy, describes shame as a survival response. It lives in your nervous system, specifically tied to the dorsal vagal state (aka, freeze mode). This is when the body retreats and collapses in an attempt to protect itself.
Why does this happen? It’s protective, especially if you grew up in environments where crying, being angry, or even existing too loudly wasn’t safe.
In childhood, shrinking down, people-pleasing, and submitting to blame ("You made me do this!") often kept the attachment intact. And attachment always wins—because kids can’t survive without their caregivers, even if those caregivers are sources of harm.
This isn’t dysfunction. It's a strategy. Or as Paul Gilbert, another shame expert, calls it: damage limitation.
Check this out for more insight into Paul Gilbert’s work on shame and empathy.
Shame’s Lingering Presence
Fast-forward to adulthood. The survival strategy of shrinking down may no longer be needed, yet your body hasn’t gotten the memo. It freezes or floods you with self-critical thoughts at random, leaving you stuck in a frustrating cycle.
It’s not laziness; it’s a survival response that once worked (and your nervous system assumes it still does).
Related: The Connection Between Pride and Shame: A Journey to Humility
Anxiety’s Role in the Shame Spiral
Anxiety Feeds Off Shame
Where shame retreats, anxiety charges forward. Anxiety thrives on trying to warn you of all the worst-case scenarios, taking on the role of an overachieving alarm system that won’t shut up. It wants to plan, predict, and perfect.
Common messages from anxiety might sound like, “What if this doesn’t work out?” or “What will they think of me?”
Now, here’s the kicker. Anxiety and shame can tag-team against you. Anxiety warns, “Something bad will happen,” and shame pipes in with, “And it’ll be all your fault.”
Together, they create a loop where your anxious brain tries to avoid rejection, while shame keeps reinforcing the idea that you deserve it.
Starting to see the pattern? It’s exhausting, and it keeps you emotionally stuck.
Janina calls shame a neurobiological regulator—it shuts down other emotions. You can’t be joyful, curious, or even angry when shame’s in charge. It floods the system with "wrongness." And that emotional shutdown? It feeds anxiety. Because when you can't process your feelings, your brain spins trying to figure out what's going on.
Click here for more on Janina Fisher’s works.
When Success Feels Like a Threat
Sometimes, folks feel ashamed of doing well. Yes, really!
Shame doesn’t just show up when things go wrong. It can also rear its head when things go right. Say you just landed a new job, started a loving relationship, or reached a long-term goal. Instead of celebrating, your internal shame critic might whisper, “What if you don’t deserve this?”
Shame sneaks in, whispering that success is either fake or temporary. And that small, loyal protector part—the one that kept you safe by staying invisible—gets scared.
So what do we do? We start hiding again. The shame-anxiety tag team strikes once more.
Changing the Story of Shame
Understanding vs. Judging
Here’s the thing: You can’t just tell shame to go away. (Wouldn’t that be convenient?) It’s ingrained deeply in your body and psyche. Yet you can change your relationship with it. And no, that doesn’t mean banishing it or fighting it harder. It means getting curious and viewing it as something protective—not as your enemy.
Janina Fisher often reminds her clients, “This part of you saved your life.” When you approach shame with kindness, you start giving it less control over your behavior.
And your therapist? We (therapists like me) get to be impressed. Yes, you read that right. Impressed! Because that inner protector, that submission reflex, that people-pleasing? It worked. It got you here. Those tools in the toolbox are worth celebrating and noting, while also recognizing that they may not be the right tool for this current situation.
Challenging Shame Physically
You can’t “process” shame the way you do other emotions. It needs to be challenged cognitively and physically.
Did you know that shifting your body posture can directly affect shame? Try this quick exercise to see how your brain and body are connected:
Step 1: Curl into yourself, slump your shoulders, and repeat the words, “I am worthless.” How does your body feel?
Step 2: Sit up tall, straighten your spine, and say the same words. Notice the difference.
The body and brain are in constant conversation. When you shift one, the other listens. When you approach shame with curiosity, and not judgment, you begin rewriting your story.
And if you’re reading this thinking it’s ridiculous, you have some work to do. If we’re not talking about this in therapy, ask me!
“But I Should’ve Known Better…”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I’d be writing this from a spa. “I should have left sooner.” “I should have fought back.”
Here’s the truth: your brain doesn't care about “better.” It cares about safety. And when it comes to trauma, survival decisions are made in milliseconds. You did what you needed to do to be safe.
Let’s stop measuring old survival strategies with today’s awareness. They simply don’t mix.
Therapy’s Role in the Shame-Anxiety Cycle
The goal of therapy isn’t to erase shame or anxiety. It’s to help you find space to notice them without being consumed by them. This process involves:
Validating the shame without reinforcing it.
Using specific language to separate shame from identity.
Being curious and kind—not just talking about it.
Co-regulating, just by being in the room together.
It also means recognizing when you need your armor. Therapists don’t yank it off. We earn the trust to peek underneath.
Through therapy, you begin to see your nervous system’s brilliance rather than its brokenness.
Shame Is Brilliant (And It’s Okay to Thank It)
Here’s something you may have never done before. The next time shame pops up, instead of running from it, try saying, “Thank you for protecting me.”
By honoring its efforts, you give shame the validation it’s been craving for years, loosening its grip on your present.
And when you’re ready to take the next step? Therapy can provide that safe, co-regulated space to explore these feelings, break patterns, and discover new ways forward.
If this resonates, consider exploring how online anxiety therapy for women could help you create new, empowered patterns.
Let’s wrap up and remember some key points
Shame is a survival response, not a character flaw.
Anxiety is often shame in motion.
Challenging shame means honoring it, not shaming it further.
Your nervous system is brilliant, not broken.
And healing happens when we get curious, not critical.
Want to go deeper with this work? Therapy is a place where we learn to notice without judging, to shift without shoving, and to befriend the parts that once protected us fiercely.
And if no one’s told you today—you’re not your shame. You’re the one who survived it.
Start reclaiming your narrative today, schedule a free consultation with me.
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