Understanding Shame: How It Shapes Your Life and Self-Worth
Learn the impact of shame, how to overcome it, and reclaim your self-worth with practical tips and actionable steps.
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Shame. Just reading the word may already bring an uncomfortable pang to your chest or a sinking feeling in your stomach. It’s the emotion that whispers the cruelest lies to us — "You’re not enough," "You don’t deserve love," "Who you are is the problem."
Here’s a truth we don’t hear often enough: shame is universal, and it doesn’t define your worth.
If you’ve found yourself weighed down by shame’s voice, this blog will guide you in unpacking what shame really is, how it impacts you, and, most importantly, how you can take back control.
You are not your shame, and it’s time to learn how to break free from its grip.
What is Shame?
Shame is that sinking "I’m not good enough" feeling.
It’s different from guilt, which focuses on what you did ("I shouldn’t have yelled at my friend").
Shame ties itself to who you are ("I’m a terrible person for getting angry").
Here’s the thing about shame — it’s normal. Everyone experiences it. Yes, everyone. Even the most seemingly confident people feel its sting. Why? Because shame is the brain’s way of protecting us, says shame expert Janina Fisher.
Check out one of her Youtube videos to understand how crucial her work has been to understanding human shame.
Thousands of years ago, humans needed community to survive, so shame told us, "Stay in line, or you’ll be kicked out." While society has evolved, shame has lingered.
And if you’ve been carrying shame heavy on your shoulders lately, hear this loud and clear: you are not broken. You are human.
Related: Undermining Your Success: Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
What Shame is Not
It’s easy for shame to blur into other emotions. To understand it, we need to distinguish shame from guilt and pride:
Guilt: "I feel bad about what I did."
For example, missing an important deadline and feeling regret. Guilt can motivate you to make amends and grow.Shame: "I feel bad about who I am."
Missing the same deadline might make you feel like you’re irresponsible and a failure as a person.Pride: "I feel good about who I am."
This is the feeling that comes from a deep sense of accomplishment, like completing a tough project.
Shame thrives when left unchecked. Unlike guilt, which has the power to drive you toward positive actions, the nature of shame stifles growth. It locks you in a cycle of silence, fear, and self-doubt.
Want to go deeper into these related feelings? Check out my post on pride, shame, and humility to get a clearer understanding of how they connect and diverge.
How Shame Manifests in Your Body and Behavior
Shame doesn’t just sit in your mind; it shows up physically and in the way you live.
Physical signs of shame:
Ever feel tension creeping into your shoulders when your boss sends back critical feedback? Or that urge to slouch and "shrink" when something embarrassing happens in public?
These are physical signs of shame, which often include:
Slouched posture, avoiding eye contact, or “disappearing.”
Tight shoulders, jaw clenching, or a knot in your stomach.
A pounding heart or flushed cheeks when you feel "exposed."
Behavioral signs of shame:
Shame seeps into our actions and influences how we show up in the world.
You might notice it if you:
Avoid situations where you feel vulnerable (like skipping public speaking opportunities).
Isolate yourself when you’re struggling, afraid someone will "discover" your flaws.
Engage in perfectionism or people-pleasing, constantly trying to "prove" your worth to others.
Struggle to be spontaneous or act without a plan.
Here’s a deeply relatable example.
A friend of mine, a fierce powerhouse of a woman in her 50s, has a 21-year-old son.
She spends her days cleaning his room, washing his car, and covering for his lack of follow-through. But why? "Because that’s what a good mother does," she says.
Behind her over-functioning, shame quietly whispers, “If you don’t care for him perfectly, you’ll be a bad mom.” Her actions aim for external validation, not personal self-worth. Sound familiar?
To be "good" at something really messes with our self esteem and sense of self worth. Our perception of "greatness" or being "good" at something is also connected to how others view and treat that greatness.
My friend really believes that if she doesn't take care of her son the way she does, she will be a bad mom, both in her own eyes and in others. That deep shame is the driving force for her behavior and it’s messing with her perception.
The Harmful Effects of Shame
Shame can slowly infiltrate every corner of your life — your relationships, your career, your mental health. Here’s how:
Impact on relationships
Shame makes us feel unworthy of love or connection, and this can occur in close connections or peripheral ones.
This can lead to withdrawing from meaningful relationships or over-committing to prove your "value," leading to burnout. This might be your best friend who hits 3 birthday parties on a Sunday and looks ragged.
Work and career impacts
Ever felt imposter syndrome — that voice saying you don’t deserve your success or someone will "uncover" your incompetence?
That’s shame driving the bus, and it can sabotage ambition and professional growth. It can distort the perception of your power and influence. Folks who struggle with imposter syndrome believe they are phony and spend their days anxious to be discovered and fired.
At home
Shame-controlled dynamics can create exhausting cycles. Take the mother-son story above. Constantly overdoing it can foster resentment or a lack of independence in others. Then what happens? More guilt, more shame, and more exhaustion. Rinse, repeat.
When Shame Becomes a Teacher
Here’s a reframe for you — while shame feels awful, it can also teach us. When approached constructively, it can guide self-reflection and growth. The key is addressing it head-on and working to understand, not create more shame.
Reflection prompts like, “Who told me I wasn’t enough?” or “Why do I feel unworthy unless I overperform?” can help unravel shame at its source. Therapy is a safe place to explore where shameful beliefs came from and how to rewrite those narratives about the self.
By questioning shame’s voice, you can realign your self-worth to come from within, instead of seeking constant approval from the outside world. You may even discover that shameful voice inside isn’t even yours!
Action Steps to Overcome Shame
Taking back control from shame starts with small yet mighty actions.
Here’s where to begin:
Name It. Shame thrives on silence. Try saying, "I’m feeling shame about ___." Bringing it into the light is the first step to breaking its power.
Talk About It. Share your feelings with someone you trust or write in a journal. Vulnerability can dismantle shame’s hold on you by exposing and working to understand it.
Set Boundaries. Stop over-functioning in relationships to prove yourself. Value should never hinge on over-extending. Set those boundaries and watch your world relax.
Prioritize Self-Care. Show yourself kindness through restful nights, nourishing meals, and intentional moments of joy. Check out my go-to self-care tips for more ideas.
Seek Therapy. Professional guidance can help you process shame and start rewriting your story.
Reflections on Shifting the Shame Story
Shame doesn’t disappear overnight, yet every step you take toward self-compassion is a small victory. Learn to notice shame in the moment, reframe its narrative, and remind yourself of this truth:
You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.
It’s time to celebrate yourself — your progress, your bravery, and everything you are.
Take the Next Step Toward Self-Worth
Breaking free from shame is challenging, and you don’t have to go it alone. My online therapy sessions are designed to guide women like you toward a life of freedom, confidence, and self-love.
Book your free consultation today and discover what it feels like to live without shame clouding your potential.
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