The Connection Between Pride and Shame: A Journey to Humility
Hello there, lovely ladies!
It's Jaclyn here, your Sassy Shrink. Today, I want to delve into a topic that often leaves us in a whirlpool of emotions - the connection between pride and shame. The journey to understanding this connection is not an easy one, although it's worthwhile, trust me.
Remember, as we explore this topic, it's okay to feel a mix of emotions. You may even feel confused or angry, and you may disagree with my perspective. We are all emotional beings with our own set of lenses when viewing the world. I invite your perspectives and appreciate your openness to mine.
The dance between pride and shame
Pride and shame, at first glance, might seem like total opposites. However, they're more like two sides of the same coin, or as Lucrecia Mourer beautifully puts it, "perfect mirrors of one another." Both emotions indicate a need for validation from others. To understand their connection with one another is to gain serious insight into your emotions.
When we feel pride, we puff ourselves up, often because we fear falling short or not measuring up to expectations. This inflated sense of self can be fragile, and when it bursts, it often leads to feelings of shame.
On the other hand, shame can also lead to pride. Sounds confusing, right? Well, when we feel ashamed, we may overcompensate by portraying an overconfident image, a façade of cockiness that hides our perceived shortcomings. It's a dance between two powerful emotions, each leading to the other in a potential never-ending cycle.
The unraveling of pride
Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with a healthy dose of pride. It can motivate us to strive for better, to reach our goals, and to stand tall with confidence and comfort in ourselves. When pride becomes a source of validation however, it can quickly turn into a source of pain.
I’ve known people who can’t apologize. It might be said, “They’re too proud,” which is ironic. The truth is usually that it’s too shameful for them to be wrong; it’s perhaps humiliating and in some ways, traumatic. It may not feel safe for this person to be vulnerable or wrong.
Defense mechanisms are developed to protect the wounded sense of self-worth. Perfectionism and arrogance might be a way to compensate for a wounded ego and the shame can be projected onto others with critical judgments.
“I’m superior to ‘those people.’ I’m right; they’re wrong. You’re wrong if you say I’m wrong. I’m more right and I’m better than you and ‘those other people like you.’” Woof. Do you know anyone who thinks and speaks like that?
The irony is that what sounds like superiority is really a deep fear of its opposite. The word, pride, that I’m referring to doesn’t mean a confident state of self-acceptance. The word, pride, here, is defined by its ability to fall apart; it must be proven and defended. It can be an offended or wounded pride.
Imagine you've worked hard on a project, pouring your heart and soul into it. You're proud of your work, and why wouldn't you be? And then, a colleague points out a mistake, a tiny oversight. Suddenly, your pride takes a hit. You feel embarrassed, maybe even humiliated. That's when pride morphs into shame.
The echo of shame
So, the pride I’m referring to is really just the outer mask of shame. Shame is a powerful emotion, and it can significantly impact our mental health. It whispers in our ears, telling us that we're not good enough, that we've failed. It's a cruel echo that reverberates within us, amplifying our insecurities. It’s an ingredient to imposter syndrome.
It means feeling disgraced, ridiculous, sleazy, and dishonorable. Shame is worthy of contempt. Tender egos wither under shame and contempt like vampires in the noon summer sun. Tender egos hide under pride, “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong, you idiot! I’ll embarrass you instead!” It’s not the greatest of disguises once you see a tender ego for what it is.
When we feel shame, we may try to drown out its echo with a loud display of pride. We boast about our achievements and flaunt our successes, all in an attempt to prove to ourselves and others that we're worth something. This overcompensation only feeds our pride, leading us back to shame when we inevitably fall short of our inflated image. Exhausting, really.
The path to humility
So, how do we break this cycle? The answer lies in humility and authenticity.
True humility is not about downplaying our achievements or beating ourselves up. It's about acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses, accepting our imperfections, and being kind to ourselves when we stumble. It’s about embracing humanity and all the beautiful flaws that come with it.
When the ego is bruised, it wants to protect itself, possibly putting up thick emotional walls and proud defenses. This can present itself as arrogance and push away loved ones and friends. Do you know anyone like this?
Humility can manifest in a few exciting ways:
When you’re humble, you have nothing to prove, not even to yourself. You know who you are, what you bring to the table, and where improvement is needed. Nothing can knock you off your figurative “square” when you aren’t questioning who you are and what you value.
When you’re humble, you are open minded and excited to learn. This invites new perspectives and shared connection with others. Folks who are close minded and struggle to see another viewpoint may struggle with humility and being perceived as wrong or stupid.
When you’re humble, making mistakes is amazing! Thomas Edison made a reference to this: every time you fail, you find one more way NOT to do something, and that is a success!
Having humility encourages us to learn from our mistakes rather than hide them behind a façade of pride. Instead of allowing imposter syndrome, shame and self loathing keep you from living your best life, lean into being a dope human. Humble humans are the coolest kind!
Final words
Next time you're riding the emotional rollercoaster of pride and shame, remember, you're not alone. Remember, it's okay to stumble, it's okay to fall. It sucks to stay down. Let's pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and continue our journey with humility and grace. The fall makes the climb that much more exciting, worthwhile and honest.
We're all navigating these waves together. And hey, sometimes a good chat with a Sassy support can help make sense of it all! If you don’t want to navigate this shit alone, you certainly don’t have to.
Our online therapy sessions are a safe space where you can explore these emotions, understand their roots, and learn how to navigate them. Together, we can break the cycle of pride and shame and pave the way toward true humility.
Stay sassy, stay strong!
