Focusing on What You Can Control
In this blog Show
Hi Sassy,
Great to connect with you, as always. Thank you for continuing to read, laugh, learn, and share these conversations with me. Your ideas and feedback make this space what it is—honest, open, and, hopefully, a little empowering, so keep them coming—I love hearing from you!
Today, I’ve been reflecting on a topic that I think all of us can relate to on some level—control.
Honestly, who among us doesn’t crave a little more control in life? Whether it’s managing daily stressors, navigating relationships, or just getting through our to-do lists, the desire to have mastery over our own lives feels…well, human.
Here’s where things get tricky—can we, as humans, truly control anything?
After all, life often has a way of reminding us that it has its own plans. The weather doesn’t care about your outdoor wedding. Traffic won’t magically cooperate when you’re already late. And, as much as we might wish otherwise, other people’s behaviors? Completely out of our hands.
While there’s a lot we can’t control, there’s also so much we can. Today, we’ll unpack the things that are truly beyond our reach, explore what is within our power, and learn how to reclaim a sense of calm and agency in a chaotic world.
Grab your coffee (yes, you deserve the fancy oat-milk latte today), and let’s do this.
Things You Can’t Control
Life throws curveballs like it’s got something to prove. Here we are, just trying to parallel park and sip from the Stanley, and BAM—traffic pile-ups, canceled babysitters, or surprise emails from our boss with a “quick” task that derails our afternoon.
The reality is, there’s no escaping life’s unpredictability. You can’t control when the rain shows up unannounced or when the universe hands you lemons unfit even for lemonade. And forgetting that can lead to frustration, stress, and the kind of burnout that makes you forget what laughter feels like.
The secret? Stop letting what’s uncontrollable hitch a ride inside your head. Instead, focus on...
What You Can Control Instead
Here’s a little gem to hold onto—"While you can’t stop the storm, you can grab an umbrella." Life’s chaos will keep coming, SO how will you respond? That’s all you, baby.
The key is to shift your focus away from what’s beyond your grasp and onto the things that empower you to make real change. With a strong umbrella, a clear path to your destination and a super warm coat, the rain certainly won’t stop you from getting to where you gotta go, girl.
Here are a few things you can control every day, no matter what life throws at you:
1. Your mindset
One thing you do have control over? How you interpret and respond to life’s curveballs. It’s not always easy, though choosing to view challenges as opportunities for growth can shift your entire perspective.
Or, if that’s too close to toxic positivity, don’t view it as growth. Simply choose NOT to view it as negative, world ending and without your ability to respond.
So, the next time something unexpected throws off your plans, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What can I learn from this? How can I grow from this experience?
Often, I ask myself, “how can I keep this ‘shit’ from ruining my day?”
2. Your actions
While you may not be able to control external circumstances, you can always choose how you react and what actions you take in response.
Whether it’s setting boundaries with difficult people or taking steps towards achieving your goals, actively making choices and taking action empowers you to shape your own life.
An email from the boss at 5pm while you’re already in the car to daycare. The phone call from Mom you were avoiding. This is where you have control.
Don’t answer the phone. Don’t check that email. Nothing is more important that what’s happening right here, right now.
3. Your self-care
You can’t control the world. You can control how well-rested and nourished you are.
Prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining mental and emotional resilience in the face of chaos. Make time for activities that bring you joy, rest when you need it, and fuel your body with healthy foods.
4. Your relationships
While you can’t control how others behave, you can control who you surround yourself with and how much effort you put into nurturing your relationships.
Choose to spend time with people who support and uplift you, and let go of toxic or draining connections. Yes, this is easier said than done for those of us who can’t cut out toxic family members or who fear to set boundaries with close friends.
It is, however, simple: you can control who you spend your time with. You deserve to be with people who love, inspire, uplift, challenge and support you.
Control isn’t about what happens to you. It’s about how you respond, resetting your focus to what matters most.
5. Influence
Although control is a fallacy, influence sure is real! We have influence over people, places and things as we choose to share opinions, cast judgment and act accordingly. And naturally, vice versa. The things we encounter in our lives influence us, as well.
Your garden is influenced by the seeds you plant (or don't). Your children are influenced by your eating patterns, hygiene routine and self talk. The university you attend influences the information you're taught, and your first job influences your perception of the working world.
Influence can be overt and beneficial like ordering the same hot drink as your best friend while waiting in line at the local coffee shop. To see your trusted gal pal trying the new holiday drink may invite you to do the same. This kind of influence is safe and you may be open to it.
Realities You Can’t Dictate (and Actions You Can Take)
The behavior of others
Spoiler alert: You can’t control anyone else’s behavior. Not your coworker interrupting every Zoom meeting, not your partner’s baffling inability to note when the gas tank is nearing empty, and certainly not Becky from ninth grade commenting on every post like you’re still frenemies.
What You Can Control:
Your boundaries (set them like a velvet rope at an exclusive club).
How much energy you’re willing to pour into “fixing” people who honestly don’t want to be fixed.
Your choice to disengage, reset, or communicate what you need in a way that respects both you and them.
External events
Global news, layoffs, pandemics—you name it. The weight of things outside our control can feel crushing, especially when it piles up. I know it, and we can spend time validating how much it sucks.
Trying to control the uncontrollable only fuels anxiety and powerlessness, which isn’t where I want you spending your magic, love. Spend time feeling your feels, then move right along into what you CAN control.
What You Can Control Instead:
Where you place your focus. Stay informed without "doom scrolling". (Seriously, there’s no award for most hours lost to depressing content.)
Actions to protect your mental health. Journal, meditate, doodle in the margins of your planner—whatever keeps you grounded. And if you “don’t like to write” ::said with sass::, then get curious and find your thing!
Focus on things within your immediate environment. Can you declutter your space, cook something comforting, or go for a little walk? Small, tangible actions make a big difference as they pass time, getting you out of your head and into the moment.
The future
Oh, that sneaky little siren song. Fixating on “what if” scenarios? I get it. The future is both sparkly with possibility and a giant unknown, which means it can easily suck you into an anxious black hole.
What You Can Control Instead:
Stay grounded in the present. Easier said than done, and also, practices like mindfulness or a simple "5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Method" work wonders. You simply need to practice like you would when learning to ride a bike, swim or smooch.
Set actionable goals and allow flexibility. You don’t have to have it all figured out—just move one step forward today.
Hire the coach for cheer and support. Take the baby steps daily for ease and effectiveness. Celebrate the small wins!
Past mistakes and regrets
If replaying past mistakes in your head was a sport, most of us would have Olympic medals. Yes, your lukewarm karaoke rendition of "Shallow" from a 2019 work party was cringe—AND holding onto shame and regret doesn’t serve you (or your vocal cords).
What You Can Control Instead:
How you learn from the past. Use your mistakes as crash courses in self-growth, not as definitive judgments of who you are. That experience has info, like what not to do next time and that’s worth quite a lot.
The story you tell yourself. Rewrite that internal monologue with kinder, more empowering words. You’re learning, you’re human, and you’re doing your best.
Read more: Understanding Shame: How It Shapes Your Life and Self-Worth
Practical Tools for Focusing on Your Sphere of Control
Remember, focusing on what you can control doesn’t mean giving up or ignoring important issues around you.
It simply means acknowledging your own power and taking proactive steps to prioritize your well-being.
Here are a few practical tools to help you focus on your sphere of control:
Create a healthy control list
Grab a pen and paper (or that notes app you always forget you have). Write down what’s actually within your power to influence. Here’s an example to start you off:
Your daily routine (hello, coffee break at 3 PM!).
How often you pause to rest.
How you nourish your body (and soul).
Which goals you prioritize today.
Mindset shifts
Adopt a growth mindset, where setbacks become stepping stones. Reframe challenges by telling yourself, “This isn’t happening to me; it’s happening for me.” Changing perspective isn’t magic—it’s straight-up healing.
Read more: The Power of Plenty: Overcoming Scarcity Mindset
Keep self-care non-negotiable
The best way to stay calm in chaos is to invest in yourself regularly. Build small self-care rituals into your routine, like taking a walk, dancing to your favorite song, or diving into a good book. Prioritizing yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary for survival.
Need ideas? Head to my earlier blog on “Self-Care Tips for Busy Women to Thrive”.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
Repeat after me: I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness (or their problems). Set boundaries that allow you to show up as your best self every day. Here are some boundary-setting tips:
Practice saying no without over-explaining or apologizing. Honestly, no one cares if and why you say no. They’re saying it too.
Check your people-pleasing radar and ask yourself if a choice aligns with your needs. If it doesn’t? Then consider what you need instead. This is with healthy selfishness and it’s necessary, not rude or unkind.
Remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for healthy relationships.
Celebrate your progress
Focusing on what you can control isn’t always easy, and it’s important to recognize the effort you’re putting in. The truth is this is a life long practice, whether annoying or with gratitude. How you feel about it is up to you.
Celebrate even the smallest victories—whether it’s finally cleaning out that junk drawer or saying no to a toxic relationship. Acknowledge and celebrate yourself for showing up each day with resilience and determination.
You're doing great, love. You’re applying to new jobs every day on Indeed. You’re practicing your pitch to your supervisor daily in the mirror. You’re ticking off the to-do and reporting back to your business coach, who praises you with a smile and cheer! And you’ve told your girlfriend you are NOT going to her family’s reunion with confidence and warmth.
YOU’RE DOING GREAT!
Claim Your Inner Power
The beauty of life isn’t in controlling everything—it’s in discovering how much freedom lives in focusing on what you can control. It’s in consciously reining in your energy and directing it toward your own peace, despite the chaos.
Feeling like you could use a little help navigating these shifts? You don’t have to do it alone.Book a free consultation with me today, and together, we’ll unlock your inner badass. Because, Sassy, you’re meant to thrive—and you deserve nothing less.
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