The Art of Saying No: Embrace Your Power and Set Boundaries
Hello, my lovely ladies!
Ever found yourself reluctantly saying YES when you really wanted to shout a big NO?
You're not alone. Many of us struggle with this two-letter word, especially in our society where being agreeable is often valued over personal wellbeing. Additionally, for women it’s challenging, as society has conditioned us to meet others’ needs over our own.
Here's the thing - saying no is a powerful act of self-care and it doesn't make you a bad person. It shows that you respect your own time, energy, and boundaries. This is self love in its highest form.
Saying no is a skill that can be learned and mastered. With practice and trust, you can learn to say NO to anything you want, protecting your own peace and exercising control. Let's dive into why it feels so hard and how you can embrace the power and freedom of saying no.
Why does saying no feel so hard?
Firstly, we're conditioned to please others from a young age, whether it's our parents, teachers, or peers. We're taught to not disappoint people and to be accommodating at all times. This can make saying no feel like we're letting someone down or being rude.
Remember being a kid? Your parents pushing you to hug the old Uncle at holiday dinners?
Remember being in school? Reminded constantly to share, to do as you're told, to follow directions? These are just some of the examples of early seed planting, that you are to be mindful of others while abandoning yourself.
Secondly, we often fear rejection and conflict. Saying no might lead to an uncomfortable conversation or the worst fear, losing a relationship. It's easier to avoid potential conflict by saying yes, even when it doesn't align with our own needs.
We also worry about how others might view us if we refuse a request or turn down an invitation. "What will they think?" "Will they still like me?" These are common fears that can make saying no feel like climbing Everest in flip-flops. As if it’s impossible to prioritize you while also being a good friend.
Another reason why saying no can be challenging is that we often feel guilty. We want to help others and saying no might make us feel like we're not doing enough or being selfish. This notion can be paralyzing, can lead to self sabotage as we choose others over ourselves.
No is not a four-letter word
Let me let you in on a little secret: Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. It's not a sign of being rude, selfish, or unkind.
Quite the opposite, actually! Saying no is a form of self-care and self-respect. It's about recognizing your limits and honoring them. It's about making your peace, sanity, and well-being a priority. It’s truly healthy selfishness.
When you say no, you're saying yes to something else – your needs, your values, your time, your space. And trust me, there's nothing more empowering than that!
Let go of the guilt
Now, I know that pesky guilt often creeps in when we say no. And here's the thing: You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
Guilt suggests you did something “wrong.” Setting boundaries, saying NO and choosing self are not wrong acts. They are necessary.
You are not responsible for everyone else's happiness. Let that wash over your brain and body. You are NOT responsible for someone else’s emotions, thoughts and actions. You cannot control another person.
You are not obliged to stretch yourself thin just to appease others. Remember, it's okay to put your needs first. It's okay to protect your energy. It's okay to say no. Even if that person (Mom, your lover, best friend or boss at work) doesn’t like nor understand the boundary, the reasoning behind the NO. The NO isn’t for them to understand, only to acknowledge and respect.
When to say no
Knowing when to say no is just as important as knowing how to say it.
If you struggle to say no, start by setting boundaries for yourself. Identify what you are comfortable with and where your limits lie. This will help you determine when it's appropriate to say no.
Say no when:
You don't have the time or energy
If taking on a task or attending an event will drain you, it's okay to say no. Your well-being should always come first. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and that’s just good science.
If you are already working long hours or have other commitments, it's perfectly reasonable to decline additional responsibilities. You’re human, and we can only take on so much.
The COVID-19 pandemic has led to a significant rise in the number of employees working remotely from home. Studies indicate that remote workers are now putting in longer hours and shouldering heavier workloads compared to pre-pandemic times.
In our increasingly interconnected world, it's easy to feel obligated to be "on" at all times. The constant barrage of emails, phone calls, texts, social media notifications, and Zoom meetings can make it seem like there's no escape.
When you're juggling a full-time job, family responsibilities, and personal commitments, your time becomes a precious commodity.
For instance, if you're a parent managing online schooling for your kids, a caretaker for an elderly family member, or pursuing a part-time degree, your time is already accounted for and stretched thin. Weekends, once a sacred time for rest, can quickly fill up with social events, chores, and errands.
It's crucial to remember that you're not a superhero. There are only 24 hours in a day, and you need time to rest, recharge, and do things you love.
The holidays are also a time when we might get inundated with social invitations and requests from loved ones. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it's okay to limit your commitments and take some time for yourself. This is how we practice grace, by allowing yourself to make the tough choices despite tough circumstances you cannot control.
So, if an additional project at work, an extra shift, or a last-minute invite to a social gathering threatens to tip your work-life balance, it's perfectly acceptable to say no.
Related: Get It Done: 9 Time Management Strategies for Busy Women
It doesn't align with your values or interests
We often feel obliged to say yes to things that don't interest us or go against our beliefs. Remember, it's perfectly fine to say no to things that don't align with your values.
If you're not passionate about attending a particular event or participating in a specific activity, it's okay to politely decline.
You are not obligated to attend the first birthday party of your cousin’s best friend: your time may be more valuable and you’re entitled as well as capable enough to decide what’s worth your precious time.
You simply don't want to
Yes, we can say no without having a solid reason other than not wanting to do something. You are allowed to prioritize your desires and needs. You don't need to justify or explain yourself.
A simple "no, thank you" is enough. It can also be quite empowering to say NO without explaining yourself. No one else needs to understand this.
Ways to say no nicely
Saying no doesn't have to be rude or confrontational. With a little practice, you can learn how to say no politely and respectfully. Here are some tips that can help:
Start with gratitude: "I appreciate you thinking of me, and..."
Express your appreciation for the invitation or request before declining it. This shows that you value the person and their invitation, which is separate from your decision to attend or not.
Be honest and direct: "I'm really swamped right now and can't take on anything else."
You don't need to make up excuses or lie to avoid saying no. Be sincere and straightforward with your response. It’s appropriate to admit being human- your plate is full!
Offer an alternative: "I'm not available for coffee, however, I'd love to catch up over a phone call."
If you genuinely want to spend time with the person, suggest an alternative that works for you. This shows that you care about the relationship and already have ideas about how to connect in other fashions.
Set boundaries: "I prefer not to discuss this topic as it makes me uncomfortable."
If someone is asking something of you that crosses your boundaries, it's okay to state them clearly. You have a right to speak up for yourself, to demonstrate your thoughts and feelings, to put up a block when something feels threatening.
Remember, it's not about making excuses, it's about expressing your needs respectfully. It’s about honesty, first with yourself.
8 Tips to master the power of no
Practice self-awareness: Understand your limits and recognize when you're stretching yourself too thin.
Don’t apologize for saying no: You don’t owe anyone an apology for prioritizing your needs.
Be assertive: Stand your ground. Your feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's. Trust that and lean into it.
Start small: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Practice with those who feel safe too, with people that have already proven comfort in respecting your boundaries, wants and needs.
Take your time: You don't have to respond immediately. It's okay to say, "Let me think about it." This gives you time to evaluate and respond honestly. Don’t forget to come back to it.
Communicate clearly: Communicate your boundaries and limits clearly. People won't know what you're comfortable with unless you tell them. No one can read minds.
Don't beat around the bush: Be direct and concise. Don't over-explain or make excuses. Be clear.
Seek support: If you're struggling to say no, don't hesitate to seek support from a friend or professional. They can guide and support you in setting healthy boundaries.
Are you struggling to say no?
Embracing the power of saying no is a journey, not a destination. It takes practice, patience, and a whole lot of self-love. And trust me, it's worth it. Because nothing screams freedom and empowerment louder than setting healthy boundaries.
If you find it challenging to say no and set boundaries, know that you're not alone. It's a common struggle for many of us. Don't let it hold you back from living your best life.
If you need extra support, I invite you to book a free consultation with me. I provide online coaching services to help you learn how to say no confidently and effectively.
Let's work together to empower you with the tools and mindset needed to embrace the power of saying no. Because every woman deserves to live a life of respect, balance, and joy. And it all starts with one small word: No.
Now go forth and say no with pride, my friend!
You may also like
