Navigating Grief and Loss: Finding Light in the Shadows
In this blog Show
Grieving is one of the most personal experiences we go through. Each person's path through grief is unique, yet the ache of loss is universal. No one escapes death nor loss: a part of our human existence.
I'm Jaclyn Borgia, a Licensed Professional Counselor passionate about guiding women through their grief journeys. I want to start by saying thank you for being here: it likely means you're going through a tough time. I’ve been there, and I understand how overwhelming grief can be.
Much like you, I have lost friends and lovers, family and work, passions and dreams. I grieve daily the loss of 2 young cousins, the way things “used to be” and the bliss that is ignorance.
Today, I want to share some insights and strategies I've learned along the way, both personally and as a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist.
Take what you need and leave behind what doesn’t resonate. I share this with you because I know how grief can taste like poison and how community and love can be the greatest antidote.
What is grief?
Grief is an emotional response to loss. It encompasses a range of feelings, from deep sadness to anger or even relief, depending on the nature of the loss. Such intense feelings are natural in grief as much as they can feel insurmountable and scary. It's essential to understand that grief is a normal process and varies widely from person to person.
Grief is an inevitable part of life, yet it remains one of the most misunderstood experiences. It's okay to feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster; grief doesn't follow a linear path.
Common sources of grief
Grief doesn't just come from losing a loved one. It can also stem from:
Divorce or relationship breakup
Loss of health
Losing a job or financial stability
Miscarriage or infertility
Loss of a cherished dream
Loss of potential and/or expectation
Understanding that grief can come from various sources can help validate your feelings. It normalizes the frequency of loss and the inability to escape it, only to manage and navigate it.
The different stages of grief
You've probably heard of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, these stages are not set in stone but provide a useful framework.
Denial: "This can't be happening to me."
Anger: "Why did this happen? It's not fair!"
Bargaining: "If only we had tried harder, maybe things would have been different."
Depression: "I feel so sad and lost without them."
Acceptance: "I'm starting to find peace with this loss and move forward."
Some people may not go through all these stages, and others might go through them in a different order. That's perfectly normal. In fact, some people might not experience any of these stages and go straight to acceptance.
That is how grief is both universal and unique: your journey is your own AND we ALL go through it.
Types of grief and loss
Just as there are different sources of grief, there are also different types:
Anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief occurs when you know a significant loss is coming. This often happens in cases of terminal illness, where the grieving process starts even before the actual loss. You may know a job is ending, a relationship is changing, something is finite.
It can be a confusing and challenging time while it also allows for preparation and saying goodbye.
Disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief arises from losses that aren’t openly acknowledged or socially accepted, like the loss of a pet, a miscarriage, or the end of a secret relationship.
This type of grief can be particularly challenging because it often lacks external support.
Complicated grief
Complicated grief is when the grieving process becomes prolonged and interferes with daily life. It may be due to unresolved emotions, a lack of support, or overwhelming circumstances. Seeking professional help can be beneficial in these cases.
Recognizing the type of grief you're experiencing can be the first step toward managing it effectively.
Coping strategies for intense grief
Now, let's get into some practical and emotional coping strategies that can help you manage intense grief.
Grounding in truth
Accepting the truth is the first step in the healing process.
Using intentional language like "she is dead" instead of euphemisms can help you face reality. You get to control how you speak about your loss which allows your brain and body to connect to the experience.
Your pain is a real response to what is happening in your reality, and grounding in the reality is necessary for healing.
Creative outlets
Engaging in creative activities like drawing, listening to music, writing a poem, or dancing can be therapeutic.
These outlets allow you to channel your emotions into something tangible, providing a sense of relief. The releasing of emotion, the feeling of emotion, the special and safe place in which you allow your emotions and experience to breathe freely are all key to moving through grief.
Writing a letter to the deceased
Writing a letter to your loved one can be incredibly cathartic.
It allows you to express your feelings and say things you might not have had the chance to say. And totally uninterrupted. Nothing can respond or retort, nothing can criticize or blame. Allow this journal entry or letter to self to be completely open and honest.
Practicing love with symbols
Keeping the memory of your loved one alive through symbols and reminders can be comforting. Talk about them, share stories, and celebrate their life. This practice not only honors their memory, it also provides ongoing support from those who knew them.
These items and symbols can be anything: anything tangible that allows you to connect to that lost loved one’s life, not their death. This allows for continued connection, simply a new way to connect within your control and meant to coddle and comfort you.
Seek support
Don't hesitate to seek help. Whether it's counseling, trauma yoga, or support groups, seeking professional and community support can make a world of difference. You're not alone, and there are people out there who want to help you heal.
The role of time in grief
Time is often said to heal all wounds, and that's not entirely true. While time can lessen the intensity of your grief, it's how you spend that time that truly matters. Engage in activities that promote healing, like journaling or talking to loved ones. Whatever the activity or wherever the environment, find and follow what brings peace and comfort.
It's important to recognize that healing is a gradual process, and it's okay to take it one day at a time. Grief is a roller coaster with no end in sight, no definitive deadline. Your job isn’t to “finish” grief, only to navigate its very real movements.
Seeking professional help for grief
If you find that your grief is overwhelming and affecting your daily life, it might be time to seek professional help. A grief counselor can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to manage your emotions.
Community and support
The power of community
Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can be incredibly healing. Community support offers validation, understanding, and shared wisdom. Knowing others face this devastation, too can lend comfort while hearing others stories of pain and movement towards healing can also bring hope.
Finding support groups
Look for local or online support groups focused on grief and loss. These groups provide a safe space to share your story, hear from others, and build a network of support.
Engaging with the community
Participating in community activities, memorials, or charitable events in honor of your loved one can help you feel connected and supported. This puts energy and love into something tangible for the community to experience and gain from. Shared love in loss is very powerful.
How can you support a grieving loved one?
If you have a friend or family member who is going through grief, here are some ways you can offer support:
Listen without judgment
Be patient and understanding
Offer practical help, such as running errands or cooking meals for them
Share positive memories or stories of their loved one
Ask them what they need and respect their boundaries
Everyone grieves differently, so it's essential to be respectful and sensitive to their process.
Conclusion
Grief is a deeply personal and often challenging experience, and you don't have to go through it alone. By understanding what grief is, recognizing its various forms, and employing effective coping strategies, you can find your way through the darkest times.
My friend, it's okay to seek help, lean on your community, and take your time. Healing is a journey, and every step you take brings you closer to finding peace.
If you're feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to, I'd be honored to help. Book a free consultation with me today, and let's take this healing journey together.
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