Ditch People-Pleasing Habits and Discover the Power of Accountability
In this blog Show
Hey there, ladies!
Today, I'm inviting you to join me on a little exploration of two concepts that may lend some clarity and desire to make change. We're talking about accountability and people-pleasing.
Here’s a real truth: In our quest to be the best version of ourselves, we often find ourselves caught in the web of people-pleasing. Sometimes it’s easier and safer to simply give others what they want and need.
What if there's a more empowering path? One that leads to personal growth and fulfillment? That's where accountability strides in like the queen it is.
The people-pleasing trap
Let's start by shining a light on people-pleasing. It's like wearing shoes two sizes too small—uncomfortable and unsustainable. People-pleasing is the act of prioritizing others' needs and desires at the expense of your own well-being. It’s even considered a form of manipulation as it’s rooted in inauthenticity.
You might be a people-pleaser if you find yourself saying "yes" to every request, even when your plate is overflowing. Or if you're constantly seeking validation from others, avoiding conflict like it's a creepy bug, and feeling guilty for setting even the tiniest boundary. Perhaps you have strong resentment, tons of anxiety and apologize often.
Sound familiar? You're not alone. These behaviors can sneak up on us, especially when we're trying to be kind and accommodating.
For many, people-pleasing, or "fawning," is a response to trauma. It's a coping mechanism developed in childhood to seek attention and affection from caregivers who were distant, absent, or neglectful.
Seeking attention doesn’t deserve judgment: we ALL want to be seen, heard and loved. We want, and rightfully so, to be paid attention to!
Many of us, thanks to the subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints from our parents, grew up thinking we had to put on a bit of a show to be loved or feel safe. You know, the "I'm super responsible, always accommodating, and perpetually cheerful" kind of act.
The oldest daughter with perfectionism, high anxiety and bubbling imposter syndrome: this is you, Lady!
It's like we were cast in a sitcom without even auditioning! Fast forward to adulthood, and surprise, those old scripts are still running the show.
Here's the empowering bit: recognizing this means we can start to rewrite our narratives. After all, who wouldn’t want to star in a feel-good story where being your true self is the main plot? 🌟
Related: Heal Your Inner Child & Take Control Of Your Life
7 common behaviors of people-pleasing
Difficulty saying "no"
Fear of rejection or disapproval
Feeling responsible for others' emotions and happiness
Constant apologizing, even when it's not necessary
Prioritizing others' needs over your own
Avoiding expressing your true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict
Feeling drained and resentful after doing something for someone else
Here's the kicker—constant people-pleasing can strain your mental and emotional health. It's exhausting to keep everyone happy while neglecting your own needs and desires.
It’s also NOT your job. The belief that others’ moods are your responsibility is also rooted in trauma. No wonder you’re stressed, Sassy gal. You've taken on a role that doesn't belong to you!
People-pleasing can lead to a number of consequences, including:
Anxiety: Constantly worrying about what others think and trying to please everyone can cause anxiety.
Exploitation: Unfortunately, people-pleasers can attract those who take advantage of their kindness and willingness to please.
Mental fatigue: Trying to keep up with everyone's expectations and needs can lead to burnout and mental exhaustion.
Resentment: When we constantly put others' needs before our own, we are bound to feel resentful towards them eventually.
Low self-esteem: When your sense of worth is derived from others' approval, it's easy for self-doubt to creep in.
Lack of boundaries: People-pleasing often involves sacrificing our own needs and desires, leading to a lack of healthy boundaries.
Relationships can suffer too, as the real you gets lost in the shuffle of trying to be everything to everyone. It's time to reclaim your power, sister!
Accountability
What exactly does this mean? Merriam Webster says it's an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility, or to account for one’s own actions. The first part: let’s dive in.
To be accountable means you are taking ownership of what is genuinely YOURS. You are responsible for and can OWN the following things (as examples):
You open your mouth when you notice something is wrong, both at work and at home.
You admit when you’re wrong or made a mistake.
You can accept feedback and criticism.
You show up and you’re present for yourself and others.
You work hard to be “better” and learn from past mistakes.
You respect time, yours and others.
The power of self-accountability
It's about being honest with YOU, setting personal boundaries, and prioritizing your own needs.
Having to answer to yourself may seem odd. And yet, it’s a strong demonstration of self love. Like discipline, delayed gratification, hard work, etc: these things keep us in line, keep us focused and with purpose.
Examples of self-accountability in daily life and personal growth
In daily life, self-accountability means acknowledging when you've dropped the ball and taking steps to fix it. It's about setting goals, tracking progress, and celebrating victories—big or small. It's having the courage to admit when you're wrong and the grace to learn from it. It's not about perfection; it's about progress.
Picture this—you've set a goal to run a 5K race. Self-accountability is lacing up your sneakers and hitting the pavement daily, even when the couch whispers sweet nothings in your ear. It's pushing through the discomfort because you know the finish line will taste oh-so-sweet.
Because you have dreams, desires and needs, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself proud one day. This is holding yourself accountable.
Other real life examples could look like this:
You follow through when you commit to emptying the dishwasher at home.
You own your boo boo when you accidentally turn the whites bright red in the wash.
You lead by example on your work team by demonstrating open communication.
You create a culture at work of mutual feedback.
The fine line between self-accountability and people-pleasing
Now, here's the juicy part—understanding the fine line between self-accountability and people-pleasing. You see, both stem from good intentions, yet their outcomes are worlds apart.
Self-accountability empowers you to take charge of your life, while people-pleasing hands the reins over to others.
The overlap lies in the desire to be helpful and considerate. The difference is this—self-accountability is about being true to yourself and your values, whereas people-pleasing often involves sacrificing your needs to meet others' expectations. It's like walking a tightrope, balancing between being kind and being authentic. EXHAUSTING.
Recognizing when your intentions shift from self-accountability to people-pleasing is key.
Ask yourself—am I doing this out of genuine care or because I fear disappointing someone?
Ask yourself– am I avoiding judgment and criticism?
Ask yourself– can I be my real self here?
The answer can guide you back to the path of self-empowerment and love. At the very least, you’ll be honest with you, and that’s quite peaceful.
Overcoming the traps of people-pleasing
Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle is like peeling off layers of an onion—sometimes it brings discomfort, yet it ultimately reveals something beautiful. This beauty I am talking about is your freedom from others’ judgments and rules.
Start by reframing your mindset. Be intentional about speaking to you with love and respect. Repeat after me—"I am worthy of putting myself first." You deserve to honor your needs and dreams, doing this first by declaring it so and genuinely believing it.
Addressing people-pleasing involves setting boundaries, my dear. Boundaries aren't walls to shut people out; they're gates that protect your energy and well-being. They are truly invitations to your friends and family to treat you the way you need to be treated. Practice saying "no" when something doesn't align with your values or capacity. It's liberating, I promise.
Related: The Art of Saying No: Embrace Your Power and Set Boundaries
Seek support from those who encourage you to be your authentic self. Surround yourself with friends or mentors who uplift you, not drain you. Remember, saying "yes" to yourself sometimes means saying "no" to others—and that's perfectly okay.
Cultivating self-accountability
Now, let's nurture that self-accountability garden. One powerful tool is body doubling—inviting a buddy or accountability partner to join you on your mission. Whether it's working out or tackling a project, having someone by your side can be a game-changer.
There are support groups, therapists and coaches like me who will do this with you!
Harness the power of influence by surrounding yourself with individuals who inspire and motivate you. Positive peer pressure, anyone? When you're in an environment that encourages growth, it's easier to hold yourself accountable.
When your environment loves you, flaws and all, it makes it MUCH more comfortable to try new things, admit wrongdoing and be real. Humans by design are beautifully flawed. Your people will see that and love you anyway.
Here's a list of five ways to get support in your accountability journey:
Join a community or group that shares your goals.
Use apps or tools to track progress and remind you of commitments.
Reward yourself for achieving milestones—celebration is part of the process!
Seek guidance from a mentor or coach who understands your path.
Engage in regular reflection to assess your progress and adjust your course.
Tips for practicing self-accountability
Setting goals: Set realistic and specific goals, both short-term and long-term. Write them down and revisit them regularly to stay on track.
Being honest with yourself: Take the time to reflect on your actions, thoughts, and emotions. Be truthful with yourself about what's working and what needs improvement. This isn’t an invitation to beat you up: it means get real honest with yourself!
Connecting with your values: Understand what is truly important to you and make choices that align with those values. Seek support if you don’t know what is important to you.
Creating a schedule: Plan your days and stick to a schedule to help prioritize tasks and stay accountable. This is the easier way to create structure and stability in life.
Asking for help when needed: It takes courage to ask for support, and it also shows self-awareness. Your willingness to grow with the help of others is the best part of being human and social creatures.
Using stimulus control: Surround yourself with positive influences and remove temptation or distractions that may hinder your progress. Set yourself up for success by getting in control of your scenery and support.
Forgiving yourself: Mistakes happen, and that's okay. Forgive yourself and use setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth.
Benefits of self-accountability
Ah, the sweet rewards of self-accountability! When you embrace accountability, you become the artist of your own destiny. You paint a canvas of personal empowerment, filled with vibrant strokes of growth and fulfillment.
The emotional and mental health benefits are profound. It’s science, babe. Straight up.
Empowerment: When you take ownership of your choices and actions, you become the master of your own life. You no longer rely on external validation for your sense of worth, for your moral compass, for your wants and needs.
Self-awareness: Being accountable means being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of yourself. Meditation works well to support this.
Healthy relationships: By setting boundaries and communicating honestly, you create healthier dynamics in all of your relationships. People will respect you for who you are instead of what you can do for them.
Improved mental health: Prioritizing your well-being can reduce stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. Taking care of yourself allows you to show up as your best self in all areas of life.
Keep pushing forward
So there you have it, my friend—self-accountability versus people-pleasing in a nutshell. Remember to be kind to yourself on the journey. Growth takes time and effort, while the rewards are worth it
Continue nurturing that strong and empowered version of yourself. Onwards and upwards! Now go conquer those goals like the boss that you are!
If you're ready to take this journey further, I'm here to support you. Book a free consultation with me for online coaching or counseling. Let's unlock your potential together and make magic happen.
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