Overcoming Self-Sabotage: Stop Self-Defeating Behavior
Imagine this. You've got a grand plan under your hat that's brimming with potential. You set goals, envision success, and take a leap of faith. Things are going swimmingly until... they're not. Suddenly, somehow, it all goes wonky. And the kicker? The saboteur is none other than you.
Wait, WHAT? Who, me?
A plot twist you didn't see coming, right? Welcome to the intricate world of self-sabotage, my sage seekers and personal reformers. The very thing in the way of your success, greatness, happiness, whatever– is probably you.
Self-sabotage is the bruise on the peach of our self-growth endeavors. It's a phenomenon where our conscious or unconscious actions block our capacity to achieve our goals. And here's the thing — we all do it at some point.
In fact, I am beginning to wonder if it comes with being human and the current world we live in. Fear not, my friends, for there's a way to overcome this pesky behavior and seize the reins of our success once again. At the very least, you are capable of awareness and deciding whether or not you want to help yourself.
In this blog we will scale the task of understanding the mechanisms of self-sabotage, identifying them, and learning the nifty moves to finally outmaneuver them. Know that the following is more than information: it’s an invitation to do the work necessary to step into power and out of sabotage. And you can, Sassy friend.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage, though sneaky, is not some mystical curse relegated to the unfortunate few. It's a common cognitive bug that trips many of us up.
It's the subconscious programming that says 'whoa there, not so fast' as you're about to pounce on a life-altering opportunity.
Women, men, introverts, extroverts - we all have an inner critic that screams 'you can't do this', 'it's not going to work out' or 'why bother trying'.
People self-sabotage in all areas of life - career, relationships, health, and even hobbies.
It can manifest in myriad ways, and hold on to your thinking caps; we're going to decipher its many masks.
What causes self-sabotage?
Why do we carry out deeds that are the kryptonite to our Superwoman ambitions? The reasons are more interconnected than a set of Christmas lights.
Self-sabotage is not a random occurrence or an inevitable part of life. It's usually rooted in our past experiences, fears, and insecurities.
Related: Heal Your Inner Child & Take Control Of Your Life
We may have been told repeatedly that we're not good enough or capable of achieving our dreams. We may have faced rejection or failure that has left us feeling unworthy. These harmful beliefs can take root in our subconscious, leading us to self-sabotage as a way of protecting ourselves from potential disappointment or pain. And when you look at it this way, you certainly don’t need to feel shameful about this. You’re simply protecting you.
It could be the fear of change, a shaky self-esteem, or the devious inner critic whispering doubt. For every person, the triggers differ, and the sabotage thrives in the echoes of one or more of these snarls.
Additionally, self-sabotage can also be a result of perfectionism. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves and when we inevitably fall short, we sabotage our own efforts in order to avoid failure or judgment from others.
Identifying the shadow of self-sabotage
The first step in any change is recognition. Like a game of cat and mouse, spotting the patterns of self-sabotage is about identifying the paws and the whiskers before the chase begins. Here are some behaviors that signal the presence of our shadowy adversary:
The procrastination station
This is the most notorious landmark on the map of self-sabotage. Why do today what can be marinated till tomorrow? Well, as charming as tomorrow seems, it's a notorious collaborator in painting over the urgency of the present.
After all, today's freedom might require tomorrow's effort, and who wants to sign up for that, right? And the truth is, procrastination can be a mask for deeper fears and insecurities.
The comparison trap
We've all been there - scrolling through social media and believing that our lives don't measure up to those of others. This constant comparison can lead us to question our own worth and abilities, causing us to self-sabotage in order to avoid facing these feelings of inadequacy.
Remember, social media is only a highlight reel and everyone has their own struggles and insecurities, even those who may seem to have it all figured out.
Your gal pals aren’t posting when their pissed at their partners, lost a job or sick with the flu. We only post what we believe is appropriate to see… ::insert EW here::
Negative self-talk strikes back
Recently I wrote about the power of negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can be a sign of self-sabotage at play. If your inner critic is constantly putting you down or convincing you that you're not good enough, it's time to hit the mute button and take control.
We're all capable of some self-criticism. Now that we’ve normalized and validated, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Put a magnifying glass to your internal monologue. Is it filled with doubt, cynicism, and a splash of doom? There's your saboteur piping up.
Investigate where it came from. Who’s voice is that in your head telling you about you?
Perfectionism or paralysis?
Striving for gold is in our nature and reinforced by families, educators, media, etc. Aiming for tarnish-free perfection can be crippling and simply empty. Perfection doesn’t exist. Not by society’s standards, anyway.
Do you find yourself procrastinating out of fear of not doing 'perfect'? Bingo, you're it.
Set realistic goals and keep in mind that failure is a learning opportunity, not a reflection of your worth. To fail is to learn, to experience, to find a way NOT to do the thing. There’s more lessons in failure than we even know.
Familiarity breeds contempt
Have you noticed patterns of self-sabotage in certain areas of your life? Perhaps it's relationships or career opportunities. Our subconscious often seeks out familiar situations and outcomes, even if they are detrimental to our growth.
If you find yourself constantly repeating the same self-sabotaging behaviors in a particular area, it's time to break the cycle and try something new.
The fear of success
We all aspire to reach for the stars, and what if we inadvertently strategize to miss our mark? A surprising number of individuals harbor a trepidation of their own potential. Success changes things — responsibilities rack up, expectations swell, and it can all be a bit much.
So, why not stay in our comfort zone of mediocrity and avoid the unknowns that come with success?
Let's face it, living a life of 'what-ifs' is far more scary than actually achieving our goals. So, embrace the possibilities and don't let fear hold you back from your full potential.
The juggle with moderation
Ah, moderation - that elusive creature. It quietly whispers "enough" when the world screams "more". You see, those who juggle with moderation often find themselves at a disco with boundary issues, doing the tango of self-sabotage.
Ever heard of the one-drink-too-many, or just one more Netflix episode at midnight, which snowballs into a flurry of regret? Just one more handful of Pringles… Moderation in excess is sabotage in disguise.
Why? Because saying "no" or "that's enough" is as daunting as choosing between Netflix shows on a Friday night. It's this shaky grasp on moderation that leads to bellyaches of the soul; we overcommit, overindulge, or overwork, not because we want to, rather because setting boundaries is like trying to catch smoke with a net.
Saying “no” can sound parental, feel embarrassing and piss you off.
And so, we self-sabotage, not out of love for the chaos, rather out of fear of drawing lines and standing by them.
7 Ways to stop self-sabotage
It's one thing to know the enemy; it's another to lay siege to the fort. Ready your mental cannons, because here are some strategies to handle those self-sabotaging behaviors.
* As a reminder, my dear friend– the following takes work. It takes active practice. Consult with your therapist and/or coach if you need support.
1. Identify triggers
The first step in tackling any problem is to identify the root cause. Take a step back and reflect on your patterns of self-sabotage.
Our nemesis thrives in the shadows of our consciousness. Illuminate those alleyways with the light of self-awareness. Be curious, without judgment, about your actions and their underlying motives.
Are you procrastinating because deep down you're afraid of failure?
Are you constantly comparing yourself to others because you feel insecure about your own worth?
Where did you learn to be afraid?
Understanding the root causes of our behaviors can help us break free from self-sabotage.
2. Craft a coping arsenal
Every warrior needs their tools. Identify the triggers that lead to self-sabotage and build a repertoire of counteractions. If it's stress eating, find alternate comfort habits. If it's work-induced anxiety, practice breathing exercises. If it's negative self-talk, counter it with positive affirmations.
Having a plan in place can help you combat self-sabotage when you feel yourself slipping into old patterns.
Don’t wait until the scary moment to ask yourself, “where are my shields?” Your toolbox or coping skill kit (call it whatever you’d like) will only hold powerful tools if you practice with them BEFORE things get crazy.
3. Call in for reinforcements
We're not in this alone. Communicate with people you trust about your goals and the challenges you face in reaching them. Sometimes, the most potent elixir is a genuinely empathetic ear.
Don't be afraid to ask for help or support when you need it. We all need a little push and encouragement from time to time.
Identify what you need from your support system (family, coworkers, friends, inlaws, whatever) and let them know.
4. Practice self-compassion
We are often our own worst critics, and practicing self-compassion can help us break out of the cycle of self-sabotage. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend or loved one.
I cannot stress this enough- as weird as it may feel to coddle you, DO IT ANYWAY. Instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes, acknowledge them and focus on how you can learn and grow from them. Treat you with the trust and belief that you are human, you are trying your best, and you deserve compassion and grace.
Remember, perfection is not the goal - progress is.
5. Flip the script
We all have an inner critic, yet it doesn't have to be in control. When harmful self-talk creeps in, challenge those thoughts with evidence that disproves them. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths.
It can also be helpful to reframe negative situations as learning opportunities or stepping stones towards your goals.
Ask your therapist, coach, and loved ones for help with this one. I bet for every ugly thing you think about you, someone in your life thinks the exact opposite. Give your village a chance to show you how much you are loved.
6. Be accountable
Accountability is key in breaking free from self-sabotage. Share your goals and progress with someone you trust and ask them to hold you accountable. Knowing that someone else is counting on you can help keep you motivated and focused.
Being accountable to yourself is a major part of this healing journey and process. This is the work I keep referencing. Doing the work means doing it even when you don’t want to, when it’s terrifying, when it hurts inside.
7. Celebrate success
Too often, we focus only on our failures and overlook our successes. Celebrate even the smallest victories and use them as motivation to keep pushing forward. Recognize and acknowledge your progress, no matter how small it may seem.
Remember, success is not a destination; it's a journey. And every step towards your goals is worth celebrating.
There’s also 24 hours in a day. If you decide early in the day that you’ve failed, you miss plenty of opportunities to acknowledge and relish in the glorious things you've accomplished (even as simple as cooking yourself breakfast, picking up that dry cleaning from 2 months ago, making that scary phone call to your Aunt Besty in Louisiana).
Keep fighting the good fight
Self-sabotage may be a formidable foe, and with these strategies in hand, you can take back control and continue on your journey towards growth and success.
Self sabotage probably has had YEARS of sharpening its claws. This means it will take TIME to unlearn old patterns and learn new perspectives to behave differently.
Remember to be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and celebrate every step forward. You've got this!
So go out there and conquer those self-sabotaging behaviors with confidence and determination. I believe in you! Keep fighting the good fight! You are worth it! And remember, moderation is key - except when it comes to self-love and self-care.
If you need more help or advice on how to conquer self-sabotage and live your best life, confidence coaching is just a click away.
Book a free consultation with me. Together, we can break through those barriers and achieve the success and happiness you deserve. Your future self will thank you for it.
Let's kick that self-sabotage to the curb together!
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